Better Than Before

Every day of your life is shaped by your habits. Are you a morning or evening person? Messy or tidy? Do you eat breakfast or skip it? Drive or commute? Pack a lunch or dine out? Exercise or watch television?

Gretchen Rubin, author of the new book “Better Than Before: Mastering the Habits of Our Everyday Lives,’’ has discovered that we repeat about 40 percent of our behaviors every day. Our habits — good and bad — provide the architecture to our lives, she writes, which is a good reason to pay more attention to them. Why and how do we form habits, and how can we create more good habits than bad?

Ms. Rubin, author of the best-selling book “The Happiness Project,” joins the Well Book Club this month to talk with readers about their good and bad habits. I recently spoke with Ms. Rubin about how we form habits and how we can start creating more good habits than bad. Here’s our conversation. And join us online at the Well Book Club discussion to talk about the loopholes we find to avoid good habits and how indulgences can also be part of our habit-forming pattern.

Join the conversation with Gretchen Rubin

Q.

Why did you decide to write a book about habits?

A.

I’ve been writing and reading and thinking and talking to people about happiness for years now. I began to notice that when I talk to them about a big happiness boost or a challenge, at the core of that was often something that was a habit. A friend made this casual comment about wanting to go running. She said, “When I was in high school I never missed a track practice, but I can’t ever go running now.” I thought, “I’m going to figure that out.” I really wanted to crack the mystery of how it is that people change habits.

Q.

Did you find the answer to the question?

A.

Yes. In the chapter on the four tendencies, I describe this framework of how people respond to expectations. There are four categories of people — upholders, questioners, obligers and rebels. Obligers and questioners are by far the dominant two; very few people are upholders or rebels.

My friend is an obliger; she falls into a category of people who find it very easy to meet external expectations but struggle to meet their internal expectations. When there was a team and a coach she did it effortlessly for them. A journalist might never miss a deadline at work, but when they want to write a book or a novel, then they stall out. For many people this is a very helpful insight into understanding their own pattern. They say, “Why can I do what everybody else wants, but I can’t do what I want to do for myself?” What they need is external accountability.

Q.

What’s an example of how a person can create external accountability to help them form a habit?

A.

It can be as simple as taking a class where someone takes attendance and knows if you’re not there. If you want to read more, join a book group where you’re expected to read. One example I heard about is two people who go to the gym. At the end they exchange one shoe. Tomorrow if you don’t come, I can’t work out because I only have one shoe. I’m accountable to you. Someone else wanted to eat healthier at work. Two people agreed they would cook a healthy lunch for each other each week. If you didn’t cook, the other person didn’t eat. This is why I think people benefit from coaches. They bring expertise and they bring accountability. It’s Weight Watchers and AA (Alcoholics Anonymous). Start a group and hold one another accountable.

Q.

How do the other three personality styles — upholder, rebel, questioner — relate to habits?

A.

It was a huge revelation to me that I was an upholder. An upholder meets both external and internal expectations. They do work without needing much supervision or deadlines. They can keep a New Year’s resolution without too much trouble. They want to know what is expected of them, but their expectations of themselves are just as important if not more important.

A rebel resists expectations — outer and inner alike. They want to do what they want to do. They don’t even want to tell themselves what to do. They value acting from freedom.

A questioner resists outer expectations but readily meets inner expectations. They have to buy in. They have to be convinced that something makes sense. If you’re a doctor telling a questioner to take blood pressure medication, you’ve got to take them through the logic of it, give them data to tell them why they should be doing it.

Q.

But aren’t our behaviors pretty set? Can people really change?

A.

If you are trying to change your habit, sometimes you have to try and change an identity. If you’re a messy person but you don’t want to be, maybe you need to think through how you change your identity. Think about how maybe you want to tie it to your identity as a mother or to your values as a good role model, creating an environment of calm and order for your child. That might be something you would find more compelling. Obligers can often change things for the benefit of other people or to be a role model.

In the book I offer 21 strategies to break a bad habit or form a good one. When someone successfully changes, often they have used four or five of them. They make it more convenient, they add accountability, or they use a strategy of first steps. You will pick what works for you depending on your habit nature.

Q.

Do you think the road to happiness is paved with good habits?

A.

When people have habits that work for them, they’re going to be happier, healthier and more productive. When people have habits that don’t work for them, then they are going to struggle. Good habits help give you the life that you want.

Join the conversation with Gretchen Rubin

Related: Want to know what kind of habit-keeper you are? And how to best change? Take our habit personality quiz.


shape - kształt; kształtować, formować (np. przez uciskanie)
skip - unikać (obowiązków), pomijać (pewne czynności)
commute - dojeżdżać (np. do pracy, do szkoły)
dine out - jeść obiad poza domem (np. w restauracji)
provide - dostarczać, zapewniać
pay attention - uważać, uważnie słuchać
form sth - stworzyć coś, uformować coś
best-selling - naleouej sprzedający się; bestselerowy, popularny
loophole - strzelnica, otwór strzelniczy w ścianie; furtka, luka (w przepisach)
indulgence - pobłażanie, folgowanie, uleganie, dogadzanie sobie
habit-forming - uzależniający, powodujący uzależnienie
pattern - wzór, deseń; szablon
for years now - od wielu lat
boost - pobudzać, zwiększać, pooprawiać
core - istota, sedno; gniazdo nasienne (np. w jabłku, gruszce)
track - ścieżka, droga
framework - struktura, szkielet; kontekst
expectations - oczekiwania
upholder - obrońca, strażnik
rebel - buntownik, rebeliant
by far - o wiele, zdecydowanie
fall - spadać
into - do
struggle - borykać się, wysilać się, zmagać; walczyć, szarpać się
effortlessly - nie zadając sobie trudu, bezproblemowo
stall - zgaśnięcie silnika; stanąć, przestać działać, zgasnąć (o silniku)
insight - wgląd, wyobrażenie; intuicja, wnikliwość
accountability - odpowiedzialność
accountable - odpowiedzialny
bring - przynieść, przywieźć
expertise - wiedza lub umiejętność specjalistyczna
relate - odnosić się (do czegoś), dotyczyć (czegoś)
resist - opierać się (o pokusie); stawiać opór, sprzeciwiać się
outer - wierzchni, zewnętrzny
inner  - centralne koło tarczy; wewnętrzny
alike - podobny, taki sam
act - działać, przystępować do działania
readily  - bez wahania, ochoczo; bez trudu, z łatwości
convinced - przekonany
identity - tożsamość; identyczność
tie - krawat; zawiązywać (np. węzeł), przywiązywać
compelling - przekonujący; frapujący, fascynujący, zajmujący
paved - wybrukowany; usłany
pave - brukować, utwardzać, betonować



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